Are They Distant or Narcissistic? The Attachment Style Most People Miss
Gloria Adesanya - 09 February 2026
If you find yourself preferring actions like gifts or acts of service over quality time or words of affirmation, you might be exhibiting signs of an avoidant attachment style. This psychological framework serves as the blueprint for how we love, connect, and protect ourselves emotionally throughout our lives.
The Internal World of Avoidant Attachment
Attachment theory explains why some individuals crave closeness while others instinctively pull away when relationships become serious. Among the various attachment styles, avoidant attachment—sometimes called dismissive-avoidant—stands as one of the primary insecure attachment patterns that significantly impacts relationship dynamics.
Internally, avoidantly attached individuals experience a constant tug-of-war: a genuine desire for human connection battling against an overwhelming fear of emotional engulfment. Imagine wanting warmth but standing too close to the fire—this metaphor captures the emotional dilemma perfectly.
Consider this common scenario: You've enjoyed two wonderful dates filled with laughter and genuine connection. You discover shared interests and find yourself smiling at your phone, eagerly anticipating their messages. However, by the third date, a troubling thought emerges: "I like them... but I desperately need my space." Suddenly, their presence feels intense, vulnerability becomes uncomfortable, and what should feel exciting transforms into something overwhelming and frightening.
This emotional retreat—acting cool and distant to quiet internal stirrings—represents classic avoidant attachment behavior in dating contexts.
The Nigerian Context: Situationships and Avoidant Patterns
Research indicates approximately one in five adults identifies with avoidant traits, with some studies showing men reporting this style more frequently. This statistical reality finds particular resonance within Nigerian relationship dynamics.
Recently, an X user's viral observation that "Nigerian men like situationships die" sparked widespread discussion about romantic preferences in contemporary Nigerian society. The post highlighted Nigerian men's apparent preference for undefined romantic entanglements over committed relationships, generating mixed perspectives across social platforms.
Some commentators attribute this tendency to fear of commitment, while others defend situationships as low-risk, high-reward ventures. At the core of this phenomenon lies attachment theory—specifically, avoidant attachment patterns that help explain why emotional depth might feel threatening rather than fulfilling.
Understanding Avoidant Attachment Foundations
What exactly constitutes avoidant attachment? If you've taken attachment style assessments and scored as avoidant, this typically indicates you value independence and emotional self-reliance in relationships, sometimes at the expense of genuine closeness.
This attachment style develops early in life when caregivers demonstrate consistent emotional unavailability, dismissiveness, or unresponsiveness. Children learn that expressing emotional needs doesn't yield comfort—perhaps caregivers ignored crying or discouraged emotional expression. Consequently, the safest survival strategy becomes self-reliance and suppression of emotional needs.
Over time, this adaptive mechanism solidifies into a default emotional blueprint where closeness equals risk. This psychological framework perfectly explains why some Nigerian men might prefer situationships that require minimal emotional depth.
Cultural Conditioning and Emotional Expression
Examine how Nigerian boys receive conditioning from tender ages to embody masculine ideals of toughness and emotional restraint. Licensed therapist Chente Okoli explained in a Pulse interview: "Men grow up learning to suppress instead of express... and that unspoken pressure shapes how we handle pain."
While avoidant traits sometimes develop later in life following repeated betrayals, emotional neglect, or adult trauma, the core pattern consistently centers on self-protection through vulnerability avoidance. For avoidantly attached individuals, love can paradoxically feel like confinement rather than comfort.
Types of Avoidant Attachment Styles
Different manifestations of avoidant attachment exist, though all involve struggles with emotional closeness:
- Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment: Characterized by extreme valuation of independence, emotional downplaying, intimacy avoidance, and discomfort with love expressions.
- Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: Often called the "push-pull" type, these individuals desire connection but simultaneously fear it, creating alternating patterns of pursuit and withdrawal.
- Dismissive-Fearful Blend: A combination exhibiting surface-level independence with underlying trust and intimacy struggles, resulting in unpredictable relational behavior.
Comparative Attachment Dynamics
Unlike secure attachment where closeness feels safe and reassuring, avoidant individuals frequently perceive emotional intimacy as overwhelming, suffocating, or threatening to their autonomous identity. This fundamental difference creates distinct relational patterns that affect all interpersonal connections.
Root Causes of Avoidant Attachment
Several factors contribute to avoidant attachment development:
- Childhood Experiences: Emotionally unavailable, dismissive, or independence-focused parenting
- Emotional Neglect: Learning that expressing needs leads to rejection or indifference
- Cultural Influences: Societal rewards for emotional restraint and independence
- Environmental Factors: Learned behavioral patterns rather than genetic hardwiring
Recognizing Avoidant Attachment Signs
Common indicators manifest subtly through relational behaviors:
- Prioritizing space and independence over connection
- Experiencing discomfort with emotional vulnerability
- Withdrawing as relationships deepen
- Preferring practical love languages over emotional expressions
- Maintaining strong self-sufficiency narratives
Avoidant Attachment in Adult Relationships
Avoidant attachment doesn't indicate relationship aversion but rather activates conflicting emotional needs. The central paradox involves wanting closeness while recoiling from emotional proximity. Avoidant individuals might rationalize distance by focusing on partner flaws or fantasizing about freedom, creating recognizable patterns:
- Hot-cold emotional cycles
- Emotional distance maintenance
- Preference for casual relationships or commitment delays
Partners often experience confusion when affectionate connection alternates with emotional withdrawal. This push-pull dynamic intensifies when paired with anxiously attached individuals whose reassurance needs feel overwhelming to avoidant partners.
Communication Patterns and Social Relationships
Avoidant attachment influences all relational domains, not just romance. Communication often involves emotional withdrawal, vague responses, or topic changes during deep discussions. In friendships, avoidant individuals maintain emotional distance and struggle with reliance. Within families, they frequently appear independent or distant during conflicts, prioritizing self-reliance over emotional interdependence.
Transformation Possibilities
Positive change remains entirely possible since avoidant attachment represents learned childhood coping mechanisms. Through therapeutic intervention, self-reflection, and supportive relationships, individuals can gradually develop greater trust, emotional openness, and deeper connection capacities.
Loving Someone with Avoidant Attachment
Successful relationships with avoidant individuals require balanced approaches. Provide space without neglecting personal needs, avoid pressure tactics, offer consistent gentle reassurance, and celebrate small emotional sharing steps. Understanding that withdrawal represents ingrained habit rather than personal rejection creates healthier relational dynamics.
Ultimately, loving someone with avoidant attachment involves accepting their emotional framework while maintaining healthy personal boundaries and realistic expectations about relationship development pace and depth.
